I’ve just noticed a few new principles to add to the Hector Benjamin Roddan lexicon of random rules about the Universe (one day, I’ll write a rule book…) More accurately, about the relationship between drinking and any sort of problem, question or niggling itch which we encounter in this sea of emotion, experience and exchange which we casually describe as “existence”…
The first stage is to ask a question, pose a problem, consider something when entirely sober.
By the second stage you have imbibed at least one unit of alchohol and therefore the problem is much more clearly expressed / slightly fudged / staring you in the face in a grim manner.
The third stage arrives at the second or third pint (I use the “pint” scale, for those of you that prefer shots, feel free to use an appropriate conversion scale). At this point, not only have you solved the initial problem which set you on the course towards drink, but you have solved a range of alternative problems – some of my personal favourites are — what to have for breakfast, how to make a paper aeroplane and world poverty…
By the fourth stage, you have realised that the perfectly adequate solutions to the initial problem are entirely useless, but there must be something. At this point, you come up with ideas like “if only I could solve world poverty by making a paper aeroplane carry my breakfast…”
The fifth stage, all this is slipping away a bit. The initial problem, the new problems, that sort of thing…This is generally known as the final safe stage at which one can eat a takeaway.
By the sixth stage, reality is doing similar. DO NOT RISK A TAKEAWAY AFTER THIS POINT.
At the seventh stage, you’re entering hell itself…
By the eleventh stage, you could well bring hell back up again.
By the way, if anyone finds out what the intervening stages are, let me know…
Byeee!!!
Hec xxx
